This Man O' War Jellyfish Is More Terrifying Than Any Shark Floating Around The Jersey Shore

NBC Philadelphia – It’s not what Harvey Cedars Beach Patrol Captain Randy Townsend usually sees on the resort’s beaches: a dangerous jellyfish like creature called a Portuguese man o’war.

Portuguese man o’war have tentacles that grow from 10 to 30 feet long and marine biologists say their potentially deadly sting is far worse than what you’d get from jellyfish normally found at the Jersey Shore. “Their stings are among the most painful and if somebody is allergic to bee stings or something like that, you can go into shock,”

No, no, no, no. A million trillion times no. It hasn’t exactly been the most comforting summer so far with all the shark action going on at the Jersey Shore. First there’s Mary Lee, the big ass great white that they’ve been tracking for a few weeks. Then a couple of bros caught themselves an 820-pound Mako off the coast of Cape May. And just last week a half-eaten dolphin washed up on the beach in Wildwood because Jaws is out there. But here’s a question I’ve been wrestling around with all summer now; is getting attacked by a shark really worst case scenario for me right now? Probably not. But getting stung by this goddamn monster of a jellyfish certainly is.

Think about it. Anyone who has ever watched at least an hour of “Shark Week” before could probably at least survive a shark attack. All you gotta do is tickle their nose and they go to sleep like a little bitch. Sure, you may end up losing a limb, but you can survive and adapt. People love shark attack survivors and I wouldn’t necessarily mind the extra attention. Maybe snag a few extra Twitter followers out of the whole ordeal and have an incredible story to tell for the rest of my life. Shit worked out well for Bethany Hamilton. But what happens when you get attacked by this shithead man o’ war with it’s 30-foot-long tentacles that can fucking kill you? Nothing. Nobody gives a damn about a jellyfish sting survivor. You’re going into shock, possibly about to die, and people are just telling you to piss on your leg to make the stinging go away like that’ll actually help. No fame, no attention, no nothing besides a world of hurt. Count me out. I’ll just be spending the rest of the summer inside the Ocean Drive if these things start popping up everywhere in the water.